The Office-Quotes

Ok, so I'm glad to see there are some fellow Office watchers out there. I found a few quotes I thought I'd put up for your sheer enjoyment! I love this show

Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Michael Scott: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.'

Dwight Schrute: Question, is there fire wood on the island?
Jim Halpert: I guess.
Dwight Schrute: Then I would bring an ax, no books.
Jim Halpert: It has to be a book Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Fine, Physician's Desk Reference-
Jim Halpert: Nice, smart.
Dwight Schrute: ...hollowed out, inside-waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash?

Michael Scott: Yes, I've heard 'women and children first', but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace, by law, so if I let them out first... I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight Shrute: [on the phone] Cumberland Mills? And how did you get my resume? Oh no no, I’m flattered, don't get me wrong. I’m just not sure it's my official resume, or if its just something a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh... okay, I’m going to have to supplement that. What’s your fax number?
[later]Dwight Shrute: So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Uh excuse me, I know about a billion Asians who would beg to differ! Uh yeah, I get a little frustrated when I’m dealing with incompetence! Well you know what? You can go to hell too, and I’ll see you there. BURNING. FINE. Oh wait, so you'll let me know when you made a decision? [other end hangs up]

Jim Halpert: Well, I'm not asking for a raise, I'm actually asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight Shrute: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim Halpert: Then I win.

Jim Halpert: Today is Thursday, and Dwight thinks it's Friday, and that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Michael Scott: Think about this: what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That’s why I always start with a gun, because you can’t top it. You just can’t.

Michael Scott: Funny story. The way I got into improv was- I got into improv- oh, the story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street and a racecar pulls up, and the guy says, 'Hey, you're funny. You're the funniest guy I've ever seen. Or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.' [laughs] And that, was an improv. [pause] Um, the real way was that I found a flyer.

Jim Halpert: What happened to you?
Michael Scott: Captain jack has a problem with authority.
Jim Halpert: Oh, right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking.
Michael Scott: He just totally lost it. If you ask me he caused the panic.

Michael Scott: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just… have to be the boss of dancing.

Pam Beesley: What do I want, what do I want... Oh! A pencil cup.
Dwight Shrute: Oh no no no no. That's my pencil cup.
Pam Beesley: I don't think so, I just bought it.
Dwight Shrute: Uh, I think so, and you're gonna hand it over to me.

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon- sue me- and since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that…

Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, 'Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'

Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. I think Stanley knows what I’m talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well I hated it! A lot!

Michael Scott: Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza, poor people love pizza, white people love pizza, black people love pizza... do black people like pizza?

Michael Scott: This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an e-mail this morning.

Dwight Shrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it... and then you have to tame it. Keep it happy, care for it, feed it... lovingly, like an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Michael Scott: Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? Alright. Here we go. Watch this. [walks into the main office area] Attention everybody. Attention please. I have some very great news from corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for one thousand dollars!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Congratulations. [returns to conference room with Dwight] You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.
Dwight Schrute: That is so great about the bonus!
Michael Scott: No no, it's not true. I was just talking. So, just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience.
Stanley: [on the phone] Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want.

Jim Halpert: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight Schrute: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.

Jim: Ow ow ow ow. You broke my hand.
Dwight: There is no way that hurt.J
im: Really? Because she's pretty strong Dwight.
Dwight: Little girl, come over here. Shake my hand. Come on I don't have all day... I don't feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You are so weak.

Dwight: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children. So we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains for vegetables. They would get the weakest of the brood. [laughs] No, they didn't eat the children... It never came to that.


Michael Scott: Can I ask you all a question? Do you know what it’s like to be disabled?
Phyllis: I had scoliosis as a girl…
Michael Scott: Never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble.
Creed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron-lung.
Michael Scott: Wha? How- how old are you? The point is: I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability. Although I am sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.
Stanley: I'm not disabled and neither are you.

Well for those of you who watch the show, I hope you had a laugh, and for those of you who don't these probably sound so dumb, but I promise, they are not. I had a good laugh myself just looking them up! I've got to watch it all again.